Well it's over, I can't say I'm not upset but it was going to happen.

We both agreed that it was for best.

So this is it. I can't say I really regret anything I loved him and still do but I still love Matt. Love doesn't ever go away it just grows. And if anything I've grown a lot as well. I lived a year + a few months on my own, with few friends and I thank every friend that was there for me. I know that to everyone who knew about my relationship probably didn't think it would last and well it didn't. But I'm stubborn and it probably wouldn't have lasted as long as it did if it weren't for my stubbornness. I cried so much but at the same time half the time there was no reason to, but I'm a big cry baby.

In any case who knows what may happen in a year or ten, all I know is I have much needed catching up to do. It's me time now. Though I'll still be friends with Barrett and I'm glad of that, sadly earlier relationships I've had never ended so nicely...

That's life and I must move on.

I wish I could stop crying, hah eventually the tears will subside. Give me a break I lived with him for over a year.

We'll still be friends and I'm okay with that. =)

How do I feel?: drained

Why can't I be happy? I really don't know what to do. I'm so miserable that all I do is make my "boyfriend" miserable. The quotations are because I have no clue if we are still together or not...we got into a fight about something really dumb I'd rather not get into it...my fault really...but he said he couldn't take it any more. He wants me gone I dunno what to do or where to go.

I need to be happy I need to realize that my life isn't horrible I just make myself more miserable. I don't feel like I'm goin anywhere and really I'm not but I should be happy that I have a job and I have a roof over my head. That's is more than I deserve.

My eyes burn from crying so much. I wake up every day...and I feel like I have to wind myself up. I don't want to wake up I really don't if dieing is just an endless dream then I wouldn't mind dieing. Yeah...I need help. I really just need to stop thinking and just exist. Just realize that "Life ain't that bad"...

I'll admit I went through a downward spiral for a little while since I left my mothers house. I was self destructive only slightly... I confess I did experiment with illegal substances, but really I didn't allow them to rule or take over my life. I did start to drown my sorrow in alcohol but then I realized that well...that's what my mother does and I don't want to do that I can honestly say I haven't drank heavily in a long time again never quite got addicted to it I never needed it. I'm not any better for having done them and I'm not any worse whether people believe me or not. I am in the same place I was a year ago. A little lost a little confused and horribly guilty. I've lost so many things that were very dear to me, I think most of all I've lost my dreams.

I know my posts have been few and far in between and well rather sad to say the least.

It weird but I think that as miserable as I was with my mother at least I could escape her and I was happier then. I Love him if I didn't I don't know why I cry so much when I think about losing him, maybe I'm just afraid of being alone. I don't know all I know is I make him miserable...I haven't made him happy since well before I came to live here. Perhaps I should leave but I don't know what I'm going to do.

I've lost all who I cared about...it's a lonely existence especially when the one you love wants nothing to do with you.

I'm tired of crying it's time to go to bed... hopefully tomorrow will be better.

How do I feel?: depressed

I dunno it's hard to let go or even thinking about it...

All she does is try to start trouble! I'm furious I really wish she'd just fuckin own up to it! She did know him and that started a huge fight because apparently she didn't. Whatever...fuck this shit.

How do I feel?: bitchy

There's no such things as happy endings, no such thing as dreams come true, no such thing as a prince charming...the white knight on a shining horse....

fuck it all...
and i cry over childhood things...

I should've grown up a long time ago...

So apparently Barrett had broken up with me twice this past month and I didn't even realize it. Honestly he never said it was over but whatever maybe he's just covering his ass because he really has cheated on me. He told me this last night, so I asked him this morning if we were still together or just bed buddies. He just tapped me on the cheek called me silly and then went back to sleep.

He always says "If I didn't love you, you wouldn't be here." I guess in a sense that's true but it makes me feel like a burden.

And yet I don't feel like he loves me, maybe he just feels bad.

Well....soon enough I won't be anyone's burden in anyway. I just need the courage to do it.



Shannon

How do I feel?: depressed

Yeah so I don't know, I think I've finally given up. Happiness is not something meant for me, as a born pessimists I guess I only had it coming to me. I should've realized it sooner.

I think about death and too often at that, mostly my own. I always thought about it, and always wished it. Still do more then half the time I'm awake, my dreams are my only escape.

I guess I'll keep on smiling until I can't take it anymore then I'll be smiling no more.

Shannon

How do I feel?: crying

I feel that I would feel better if I knew Barrett's ex's even talking to them would make me feel less threatened but he keeps them so secret. And they probably think I'm a huge Bitch which I'm not. Oh well, I guess any ex that can read this is more than welcome to message me, or bitch me out.

Shannon

How do I feel?: blank

It seems I'll be losing a home once again. If some of you don't know I've been living with my boyfriend since mid September since my mother had kicked me out. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like just kicking the bucket, putting down my boxing gloves and ending the fight. I can't shut myself off like Barrett, I can't just ignore my feelings like his mother or rant like his step father. It's like an on going battle inside me! I can't take much more of this. I always ask myself which is better my brain or my heart and my heart wins most if not all the time. I love Barrett and I feel like if I didn't I wouldn't care as much as I do. But my brain says that part of the problem is him. If you love someone wouldn't you take the good with the bad? His bipolar doesn't help I can say that much and the fact that he doesn't want to get a job well...that doesn't make thing any better. There's always some excuse. "I have money now so I don't see what the point is in getting a job." It seems everything has gone down hill since James died and I can never replace him or make Barrett feel any better. It is hard living with someone you love. At the same time it's difficult to not feel a little bitter towards him because I work and he doesn't. And just last night I felt pity for him because once his money is spent it's spent where at least I have a job. I think a huge part of me is just afraid of being alone. Just the other night we got into a stupid fight because I was being selfish. He doesn't want to be here anymore and he wants to move to Michigan without me. He says he can't take it anymore and all I do is make him miserable, all I want to do is make him happy but it seems I just do the opposite. I don't understand if I make him so miserable then why am I still here why hasn't he just broken up with me? I don't want that but I guess some part of me does. Maybe if I knew why he was holding onto me I'd feel a bit better. I just wish he understood that the dream doesn't die with the person it's just a little bit harder to obtain.

Another reason why there's a stupid battle going on inside me is because I care about someone else. Someone who I won't see for a year or so and I'm kind of upset at right now because I took the day off to see him and
I still haven't had a call I guess I'll just have to say my goodbyes on the phone.

How do I feel?: cold

Yeah so I dunno... I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like Barrett doesn't put any effort into this relationship or maybe this how real relationships work. Not that I haven't been in a real relationship before. I guess i took that relationship for granted I was treated great and I had someone who cared about me and I threw it all away. I don't know I just really don't know what to do. I love Barrett but I feel like he could cheat on me at any moment. I mean I've been nosy and lets just say I have reason to think these things. But I TRUST him and that's what kills me because I don't want to! Because if he does I don't want to be hurt, I already am hurting.

I could be wrong...but I really feel that I love him more than he loves me. And yet he said "I love you" first!

anyway continue another time...

My next emotional burst.

How do I feel?: confused

Dear Sam,

I just want you to know (not that you're reading this I'm just venting)that I'm sorry for commenting on a picture of you on Facebook. My bad I assumed that you were friends with my friend, my bad, my mistake, my folly...and so on a so forth. I also think that if you believe you are destined to get married to Barrett(yes Barrett has told me)then I'm sorry you're being a real jerk to any boyfriend you have until then if it ever happens, for they are obviously interested in you but you on the other hand are just playing with them. That is just sad. And grow up ta-tell tailing was so 5th grade, lawl. And last night when you had your friend call Barrett in case I picked up was really silly, if you really knew me I don't answer his phone, even if I know the person I don't. I could pretty much hear the convo, "Here explain it to Sam...". Oh gag me with a spoon, such childish nonsense.

I'd say much more but I think that's good enough.Thank you very much for not reading.

Your "friend",
Shannon

How do I feel?: bitchy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFBuFGG_04o

I know it's been a long time since I've written anything in this thing bur I procrastinate. I really don't know wtf to do with my life. I feel like everyone is disappointed in, I feel like I have no friends. And the ones I still have I love dearly. But it's like no one knows my situation so they decide to just ignore me or shun me. It makes really no difference to me tho I'm a waste of life anyway. I've never done anything to improve my existence or anyone else's for that matter. I just make myself and everyone else miserable. Ah well.

Peace.

SO yeah I'm supposed to have surgery on Monday to take out my gallbladder and I think I have a fucking sinus infection so it's probably going to be postponed!

Fuckin great like I need this? I finally have the balls to get it out and now this happens.

WTF!!! Garrr

I hate life sometimes.

Life's interesting to say the least.

So I've been living at Barretts for the past couple of weeks and I'm quite thankful that they are letting me stay even if it's for a little while. I'm actually quite happy as well things are changing.

I'm going to get both my gall bladder and wisdom teeth removed in the next couple of months. And may also move out with Barrett sometime in November.

To say the least this'll be and intresting couple of months.

Oh and I may become like a manager at my job, more hours for me. W00t!

I saw Keith today, he looked just as bad as I've felt with my gall bladder pains. I feel horrible and to say the least I think he has a lot to deal with right now so it is best to just let him be.

Friends are interesting.

So I'm at Bunker Hill right now and it's kind of sad how everything's just fallen apart here.

Kind of like my life.

But I'm really hoping that when Barrett gets his settlement that it'll be enough money for us to move to MI. It's relatively cheap to live up there, you can get a 2 bedroom apartment heat and such included for 650 a month. We could both get part time jobs and such. It would be an adventure to say the least.

Every night it has been.

I just really want to get away from everything and everyone.

I seemed to have lost all my friends and it's lonely and what's better than going to a place where no one knows your name?

Sounds like a good place to be right about now.

How do I feel?: lonely

Ok so I'm still homeless and honestly don't care anymore.

It's amazing who you find really are your friends and not.

Tuesday night I stayed over Joey's with Barrett.

Last night snuck into Barrett's house. (which I was so thankful for a bed)

Tonight it's Joey's again.

Tomorrow night who fuckin knows. All I know is I ain't goin back.

I'm gonna find a job, may have to borrow some money from my dad so I can get a few nice articles of clothing considering I only have 3 pairs of pants and t-shirts, some socks and underwear. I only had 2 bags, I grabbed what I could.

I need to get my gallbladder, it's a must. I'm freaking about how I'm going to do it. I was thinking that maybe my dad could help with that you kno. Maybe he could drive me there and let me stay there for a week or so. I love him but I really don't want to stay there. Even Barrett's parents might let me stay there for a little while. But at both places I don't want to impede.I absolutely HATE asking for help!It looks like I'm going to be jumping around from place to place.It sucks really. And I'm sure this'll be happening for a while.

Considering I don't have a good job.

To Do list:
-Call my father
-Get surgery while I still have insurance.
-Find places to go
...

This list will just grow.

Ok comp lab is closing.

Goodnight.

LMAO!!!!

So yeah I got kick out of my house again, I refuse to go home until my mother realizes she being a BITCH. Which will never happen, oh seems I'll just wait for her to beg me to come home.

So yeah this is all because she found out that Barrett came over. Whatever, calling me a whore and a slut which is not the case since he's my BOYFRIEND and I'm not sleeping around with anyone. Gosh, I mean just because she was married when she had sex doesn't mean anything. lol In any case this is ridiculous, I don't want to go home till at least Monday. Yes Monday, why you say cause that's oh ummm 4 days without her. I need a place to stay tho.

I called Barrett and right now I'm at Bunker Hill waiting for him to get out of class. Fun stuff. It's nice to see that they don't check ID's or anything. lol Not that they ever would. Ahhh but I ain't gonna cry no more. I know I can't stay over Barrett's been there would feel bad for doing it again. And the fact that my mother called his house and his phone. She's a fucking nut. She lies to get her own way and manipulates people. It's fantastic. So this means I either stay at Barrett's friend Joey's and or Andrews. He was nice enough to offer, and it's much appreciated. I'm gonna talk to Barrett about it. I mean I'd feel awkward if I stayed at Joeys or Andrews. I just can't and will not go home tonight. I REFUSE to go home. That Bitch needs to learn that I can not be pushed around like a child, I'm paying fucking rent! And yes I left my keys there so I have no way to get into my house. -_-

This my friends is my crazy Life.

A roller coaster of ups and downs. lol

How do I feel?: amused

It's amazing how much shit comes out of my mothers mouth.

Her and her secret agents, it makes me laugh.

So yeah just now I tell her that I might be going to Maine on Sunday to see an air show with Barrett and his father. Which I was supposed to see last year with Matt but didn't happen. In any case she blew smoke. lol "I forbid you!" "I'm 21 Mom, you can't I'm going to go if I want to or not." "Well I want his plate numbers, what type of car he drives...blah blah blah" "Mom he rents car, he finds it's easier to rent a car once in a while, it's easier and cheaper to not have to pay car insurance" "Oh well that sounds weird, I'll have to call up some friends...blah blah blah."

It's plain silly. I just said, "Go ahead. I don't care" and she walked away. lol

She's starting to realize she doesn't phase me much anymore. And yes that's thanks to I'll have to admit Keith(grabted took a while, sorry about that.) and Barrett. I'm sick of taking her shit, and frankly just tired of it.

And so I've started looking for a full time job in the process of my absence from my education. I may as well as find a job and move out. I finally typed up a resume and I feel great about it. If I get the job that Andrew is trying to get me, I'll be working 9-5/5 days a week and making up to 12 dollars an hour. Which will end up being up to about 1800/1900 a month excluding taxes, so I figure I could find a studio apartment for cheap and Barrett may help or at least live with me so I'm not alone. I'll be happy, weekends off it'll be great and horrifing at the same time. But I need to do this. Even if all goes to hell I will not go back to my mother. I'll first work a couple of months while living here with my mother I'll pay her her 300 each month, and still have money enough for a down payment for a studio and a mosth of rent and food so I'm good.

I need to and want to do this for me, if she wants to be part of my life when I move out fine I'm not going to stop her but honestly if she didn't want anything to do with me for the rest of my or her Life rather then that's just as great. Perhaps even more so. lol In anycase I'm not afraid of her and her lies. I can't deal with her shit anymore lol.

She's rediculous.

Just hearing her make herself seem like the bad guy, always! Which also makes me realize I do the same thing. 'It's always my fault' Barrett pointed it out to me many times, it just hasn't sunk in until now. I hear her saying oh, I'm a drunk it's always me...blah blah blah try to make ppl pity ya. Yeah I gotta stop that cause things and peoples' decisions aren't always my fault. And I'm not always wrong.

I'm also trying to see the brighter side of things which is way out of character for me. ME! Shannon who has always seen the darker side of things and if people know what I've been through well you'd kind of understand, BUT it's true life is not that bad. It could be worse. And I know I've gotten into these moods before, but I'm serious about this. I WANT to CHANGE, I WANT to be HAPPY! =} Not for Barrett, not for my friends, but for ME! And in being a happier person I think I can make other people happy as well. I hate to say this Keith if you're reading this, remember I love you. But I'm kind of glad you decided to walk away because the fact that I don't have someone to talk to actually helped me to dig into myself. Inside I realized what I must do. I must be a bit more optimistic, oh my a word that was NEVER in my vocabulary before! It's amazing how numerous emotional events can lead up to an epiphany, a realization of sorts, how to attain Happiness, sounds like a great idea. Don't yah think?

I do.



Oh yeah quick up date on me and Barrett, things blew over and everyting is fine. We both agreed that, that was the most stupid fight we EVER had. And I realized he never meant to break up with me but just realize what could happen. Though I'm glad I called and asked him what was up. Men are very much like children when they get angry or hurt they have a need to get back at the person. Not that women don't do that either, but in this case Barrett was just trying to get back at me for yelling at him. *rollz eyez* I'll never quite comprehend men.

How do I feel?: happy